In an Instagram post today, Thordis Elva writes “Your silence does not protect you.” and she continues “I could not carry on with my life without giving my voice a pair of wings.” I’m sure the words are somewhat out of context, but to me they’re enough to push me forward, away from old tracks. They made me put wings on my own words, making my voice fly too.
Thordis Elva, your voice and the words you gave wings, has made me able to do the same. To voice what I’ve kept hidden and to give my words wings.
I don’t feel shame (any longer), I know (now) that I was not to blame, but I’ve let this secret of pain and hurt weigh me down for so long, making me lose sight of what matters. It’s been eating, feasting even, on my self worth and strength, weakening me. Even blinding me at times.
I made a decision earlier this year, and I’ve written about that here on the blog, to forgive the man who did this to me. The man who molested and abused me as a child. For years. A man who spent hours telling me how worthless I was and how I would fail my life, from as early as 8 or 9 years of age. And onwards. He was supposed to be a father figure in my life (not my dad though) but he doesn’t deserve that title, the responsibility connected with it was clearly lost on him.
I’ve been fighting this decision, forgiveness, truly fighting it within, because it made me feel like I was loosing this one final battle with him (although being long gone from my life). If I gave it up, if I let him win, it would mean that I would finally give in and accept what happened. And what was maybe worse, that it would make it ok. My acknowledgment would make it ok. All that happened would have been ok. No one would be punished, because there’s nothing wrong with it ever happening. Things like that are supposed to happen to girls like me. So if I stopped fighting this battle, if I let him win, I would lose myself.
Then a friend told me: “It’s not a contest. You can neither win nor lose. No matter how long you make this take. You can only choose to let it bring you down or not. You can choose to stay lost or you can find your own way out of it. I will help you if you let me. Be strong. Be you.”
I might have heard words close to this during all these painful years gone by, but this was the first time I really listened.
So I forgave him. I made a decision and I forgave him. I whispered it. I voiced it out loud. I thought it and I even dreamt about it.
“I. Forgive. You. It will never be ok. You just don’t do awful and hurtful things like that to another human being, or other living creature for that matter. No matter if they’re young or old. You. Just. Don’t. It’s all kinds of wrongs! But still, I forgive you.”
It’s taken me over twenty years but I’m finally on my path of healing and peace. I made it through. I’m strong and powerful, and I’ll use that strength to put wings on words so that stories like mine or that of Thordis Elva, travels the world until everyone has heard them and the world finally is a safe place for all, no matter your gender, your age, your heritage or what you’re wearing. No matter the story, it needs to be told, to set us free. No more secrets. No more shame. No more fear. I will fight for all those who lost their strength, just like Thordis Elva, Yoga girl or Linnèa Claeson (IG @assholesonline ) and so many more amazing women and men out there. Together we’re strong. Together we’ll change the world!
No is a no is a no!
Over and out