Some of my secrets are ones I'd rather not keep. Don't get me wrong, they're my own, not forced upon me by someone else. They're just things I would probably be better off sharing (because it gives me needed perspectives) or taking care of. Airing them out. But for different reasons I keep them, most often because it's easier and sometimes less hurtful. We can call them my "imperfections". Because these secrets does nothing but weigh me down. I try to ignore them, to forget or trying to diminish the power they possess. All in them selves, or even worse paired up with others. Adding to the weight by a hundred. And I try not to let them affect me, and change me. But it's hard. And they do, whether I like it or not. They take their toll and as they start to affect me they become my imperfections.
The worst thing with these "imperfections" is that I can get rid of most of them. There is away. But I've learned that that entails me becoming someone I'm not. And truthfully I'm more scared of that then anything else. I'd rather carry them, and fight them all by myself, than letting them weigh someone else down when I free myself off them. I don't like having others carry the weight of my problems/issues.
I'm not a saint, by no means! I can be mean, resentful, obnoxious, hurtful (not purposely), stubborn and a pain in the ass, just as most people. Some people even dislike me (I'm not angelic in any way) and some may even have fare reasons to. But even so, I'd rather keep my "imperfections" then seeing them hurt or weigh down others.
One of these "imperfections" made me realise something last week. And I have to give them that, they always come with a lesson of some sort in the end, you just got to be willing to listen and learn (which I don't always do)! The imperfection in itself is an old one, but it got revived by an act of others, and the lesson taught was that I'm not always the strong one, or as strong as I want to believe I am. This might sound strange for those of you not knowing me, I'm aware. I'm not really good at portraying myself here on the blog as being the strong one, but I am. Truly (especially at work). I wasn't always, but life taught me to, and toughened me up!
I've always thought that I'm most strong in company of others, getting empowered by them or the issues at hand (I'm a problem solver too) - hence the "imperfection" as I'm clearly not. That I let my self be weaker and vulnerable only when all alone - guards down. But this lesson taught me otherwise. That in specific surroundings, or in the company of specific people or specific circumstances, I'm weakened by the presence of others. That there are moments when I'm not guarded enough to let things pass me by. Not even when I think I'm in a safe zone.
I'm not sure yet what this means. That I'm not to have safe zones? Or how I'll handle it. Guards up? Always? Maybe the knowledge in itself makes me stronger? More prepared. For now I'm just letting it sink in. And realising that letting go of this one, freeing myself, could presumably entail hurting someone else due to the raw honesty having to be delivered with it, and in that case probably affecting a lot of others (and I'm not sure that is to be looked upon as an entirely good thing right now - although it potentially could be). So I don't. And believe me, this does not make me an martyr (although I can easily see that you might think so), I'm well aware of my own needs and I'm not a victim. This has nothing to do with being kind or not taking responsibility by not letting others know of or enabling their escape from owning a part in a specific deed or event. I'm just not convinced that the solution to ridding myself of this "imperfection" is by airing it. Being a problem solver also makes me believe that I have different options to consider, and I haven't done that yet! But I will! 😆
Am I making any sense? Or is this gibberish to you? Do you have secrets weighing you down? What are your reasons for carrying them all by yourself? Or do you share them?
Over and out