My heart is beating fast in my chest and I'm breathing hard as I reach the top. I can feel sweat drip down my spine and I try to breath normally again as I slow down my pace. I can already smell the magnolias, growing wild in front of the window where the kitchen used to be. I know because I've entered it although knowing the risk. It's empty now. Not even the old cast iron stove is left. Gone. The house is just like me, empty and broken. I don't enter although it calls for me, to be filled with life and meaning again, instead I pick some of the magnolias as I pass them and walk around to the back of the house. I walk to the the rim of the rock just behind the back porch. The view is part of why I love this place. The open sky and the never ending fields of barley and oats that almost reach the sea at the horizon. I never tire of watching the wind caressing the fields, making them move in flowing waves of yellow. The old oak tree stands firm in the middle of it all and as always I wish I could go there, to climb it's old branches and envy the beauty of its unknown history up close. But there's no road, no path, no simple way to reach it. I've tried, but somehow nature's keeping me away by setting impenetrable obstacles in my way. Instead I watch it from afar, as if it's somehow a part of me I can't live without.
I take a few steps back and slide down against the rough wall of the house when my shoulders touches the timber. It tears my bare skin but I don't care. Just as I feel the ground on the back of my thighs the sky lits up by lightning and the thunder rumbles high above my head. The sudden sound scares me and makes my entire body shiver with fear. The power of nature is fierce and makes me aware of my littleness on this earth. I can feel it coming, the rain. The air is moist and the wind is rougher than before, tearing at my shirt and cooling my skin. I hug my legs tight to my chest and rest my head on my knees. I am here to seek comfort and shelter. In this place. No rain or thunder will keep me from it. I close my eyes and try to let go of my fears.
The rain starts to trail down my face and mix with my tears. The smell of the magnolias soothes me and I can feel my tensions let go. I know I don't have much time, so I open my eyes. I know I am alone. The familiar sounds of the surroundings tells me so. The rain has stopped and as the heavy drops lingering in the trees makes there way over the leaves and falling to the ground I hear the blackbird sing, making my heart smile. No one knows of this place. Or they might, but they don't know it's mine. Where I go to hide from them and the world. They wouldn't look for me here. This is where I come to gather strength. To bury my fears. To let go of pain. I draw strength from the house and from this place that once were a place of happiness and family. All the signs of it still lingers on. Small signs of evidence that fills my heart with hope. I'm too young to loose sight of it. To question life. And I fight hard to still be me, to be that child you see. Innocent and without being burdened by dark secrets.
To be continued..."
I've been thinking for a long time that I should tell you this story, so tonight I've started it. I once had a secret place where I could hide from the world. Now it rests within me.
Over and out