On different levels, I believe we all carry these feelings, and we're all affected differently by them. Some seem to just shake them off, while others linger and dwell in the pain and fear. I made them stay. Deep inside, hidden. And I let them occupy too much space. So much that it made me powerless against them.
These feelings are deeply connected to this one awful person no longer a part of my life, and they've grown roots in my heart that has poisoned my judgment and my self confidence for over twenty years. I let go of the power to control it, because of hate. And the fear of loosing. Completely. I thought holding on made me still a part of the fight, and I didn't realise that it made me the looser. Still. Sometimes they lay dormant, letting me taste freedom - a life without them - but they always came back. With a vengeance. Hurting me more than ever.
But something has happened. For the first time, ever, I feel empowered, strong and capable. A close friend told me I needed to let go to be whole again, that holding on wasn't the answer to my need for peace, and for some reason something changed with those words. I wanted them to be true! So badly. It made me realise that I will never win this fight, because it isn't a competition in the first place. I've made it one, to fight my way back, but it was never meant to be a competition. It was a need for vengeance, and my friend made me realise that the vengeance isn't mine to deliver. And finally, I accept that. I've looked on this the wrong way, letting me loose control.
So, friends, I'm letting go. Today. I will tear those roots out of the dark place in my heart and I will make it whole again. I will let it mend with love, trust and happiness. I will let faith embrace the wounds and they will heal, I know this with certainty. ❤️ I will let peace inside that darkness and I will embrace the change - not be frightened by it. I will let light burn in the darkness so that I don't fear the memories of pain, and I will be proud that I survived and let go of what made me weak. And I will cherish the strength born from the hurt and I will carry the lessons I've learned knowing they took me here. To this point in life and to finally letting go.
I. Forgive. You.
It's not ok, and I will never forget the hurtful things you did. But I forgive you.
I will end this entry with a quote from Mr Franklin D. Roosevelt, which also helped me make the decision of letting go today:
"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."
Over and out