söndag 27 november 2016

Letting go

Pain. And fear. And hate. I've lived so long with those feelings entwined with the very essence of my being. I've let the darkness of it consume me and put me to a halt in life. Over and over again. Not because I didn't see a way out, sometimes I think I've even seen it clearly, but because I was afraid of what would be left of me if I did. Fear. Hurt.

On different levels, I believe we all carry these feelings, and we're all affected differently by them. Some seem to just shake them off, while others linger and dwell in the pain and fear. I made them stay. Deep inside, hidden. And I let them occupy too much space. So much that it made me powerless against them. 

These feelings are deeply connected to this one awful person no longer a part of my life, and they've grown roots in my heart that has poisoned my judgment and my self confidence for over twenty years. I let go of the power to control it, because of hate. And the fear of loosing. Completely. I thought holding on made me still a part of the fight, and I didn't realise that it made me the looser. Still. Sometimes they lay dormant, letting me taste freedom - a life without them - but they always came back. With a vengeance. Hurting me more than ever. 

But something has happened. For the first time, ever, I feel empowered, strong and capable. A close friend told me I needed to let go to be whole again, that holding on wasn't the answer to my need for peace, and for some reason something changed with those words. I wanted them to be true! So badly. It made me realise that I will never win this fight, because it isn't a competition in the first place. I've made it one, to fight my way back, but it was never meant to be a competition. It was a need for vengeance, and my friend made me realise that the vengeance isn't mine to deliver. And finally, I accept that. I've looked on this the wrong way, letting me loose control. 
 
So, friends, I'm letting go. Today. I will tear those roots out of the dark place in my heart and I will make it whole again. I will let it mend with love, trust and happiness. I will let faith embrace the wounds and they will heal, I know this with certainty. ❤️ I will let peace inside that darkness and I will embrace the change - not be frightened by it. I will let light burn in the darkness so that I don't fear the memories of pain, and I will be proud that I survived and let go of what made me weak. And I will cherish the strength born from the hurt and I will carry the lessons I've learned knowing they took me here. To this point in life and to finally letting go. 

I. Forgive. You.
It's not ok, and I will never forget the hurtful things you did. But I forgive you.

I will end this entry with a quote from Mr Franklin D. Roosevelt, which also helped me make the decision of letting go today:

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."

Laters babes!

Over and out
Pusspuss 

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